The Unexpected Guest remained with me as I finished out my teaching duties and packed up my desk. His presence was keenly felt. It wasn’t sorrow as I didn’t know what was before me. It wasn’t fear. The best way I can describe him is uncertainty with a hint of dread.
Tuesday evening my parents arrived. I helped Victoria and Matthew with their homework. My Core Four stayed with our routine of homework, dinner, downtime, pick out clothes for the next day, pack lunches and ready the backpacks. We were happy to be together, and having Grandma and Grandpa there was a gift!
Wednesday dawned. We drove the kids to school and made sure they were ok. GA Debbie would check in on them for us. My parents joined Dennis and I and we headed to The Alice Gustafson Cancer Center. The car ride was quiet. I remember pulling into the parking lot and seeing “Cancer Center” and I thought, “There’s a Center just for Cancer. How sad.”
We all took the elevator to the second floor. Dr. K’s Office. Dr. K’s specialty was dealing with female-related cancer, but he was known for being a researcher and was willing to see me on such short notice. The waiting room was large. Scattered around the room were baskets of beautiful hats and scarves. They were free for whoever needed them. I can still see those baskets…
After getting my vitals taken and blood drawn, the nurse took me to an exam room. Enter my next GA – Dr. K came in and introduced himself. He was straightforward and kind. Exactly what I needed. Dr. K always told it like it was, with metaphors. He asked lots of questions and then started his physical exam. He taught me about bruise progression: how the colors morph and in which order. He taught me about petechia: those pesky red dots I was covered in.
The nurse brought in my blood counts. My platelets were so low the machine couldn’t read them, they had to be checked by microscope. Dr. K said that he would meet with me and my family in a few minutes.
The nurse took us back to the purple room. I grew to hate the purple room. It was a small room painted in a beautiful and calming purple color. There was a couch and two chairs. Nothing good happened in that room. I had told myself that I could handle anything but a bone marrow biopsy.
Dr. K said he wasn’t sure what was going on. I could have anything from a blood disorder, bone marrow issue, or a worse disease. The quickest way for us to find the answer was to have the following tests done tomorrow: CT scan to check for Lymphoma and a bone marrow biopsy (BMB). He had already scheduled the BMB, it would be first thing the next morning. Dr. K stressed the importance of a positive outlook.
We drove home. We made dinner. Helped the kids with their homework and continued our normal, with the addition of explaining to them what I would be doing the next day. Here is when it gets fuzzy again. The WW comes out. The hits were being felt now. A BMB? That’s the only thing I didn’t want to do. My kids were quiet. My husband was being a Rock. My parents were going to let my siblings know what was going on.
That Unexpected Guest morphed into the background at times, but he was always there. I could see him a tad clearer now. Honestly, I still didn’t know what I was feeling. Looking back I still don’t know, but it’s embedded into my DNA.
Time stood still. The Unexpected Guest brought a companion. Endless Night came softly. So softly I didn’t notice right away.
Moments. They each matter. We each see them from a different perspective. I saw them through the eyes of the patient who was also a wife, mother, daughter, sibling, Aunt, friend and teacher. I brought each of those roles into every experience. Every test. Every result. Every update to the people in my life. Still do.
BMB was in a surgery unit at the hospital. Juan, my pastor, came to see Dennis and me before the procedure. I can still see him there so clearly. The IV was in, all pre-op meetings done, and the nurse had me say goodbye and I walked to the surgery room. The WW stayed quiet. That walk was a gift! I walked into that cold surgery room on my own two feet. Little did I know that in some of the darker days ahead that walk would be an inspiration!
BMB done. We all got home a couple hours later. A hospital staff member called to say they have an opening with the CT imaging and I needed to come back. Dennis and I head back to the hospital. Mom and Dad picked up the kids from school. Dennis and I finally arrived back home. We tried the routine as best we could , but that pesky UG reminds us that the results will be in the next afternoon. This may be our last night of “normal”. No one says it out loud but we all see him. He’s there.
Endless Night is a peculiar thing. I know time is constant. I believe that. But when Endless Night came he distorted that fact. Sometime during that night I knew – and clung to the fact that one positive thing would happen tomorrow: the Unexpected Guest would have a face. I would know who he was.
The Time that is Given 