This post has been a difficult one to write. I’ve started several times. I wish I could describe for you all of the events that took place during my “three days” – but I just can’t. The words will not come. Revisiting parts of my story are just difficult. But there is a silver lining here, for I now know why it is difficult.
I’ve never been a “why” kind of girl. The “why” never kept me up at night. I honestly don’t need to know the “why” of most things. Basically, I’m the polar opposite of an engineer. I love to know that things work, I just don’t need to know the why of how they work.
That being said, the “why” of “why is it difficult to think back on parts of my story, let alone the telling of it – it shouldn’t be hard” … this has always bothered me. Then one day, about two years ago, I had a moment of clarity. I had been doing some soul searching. Some people (you know who you are) had been not-so-subtly letting me know that I should be writing a book. My consistent answer was an eye roll, which is my favorite facial expression. Don’t believe me? Ask my Rock! Ask my Core Four. They are well acquainted with it.
Anywho, (BTW: I love the word “anywho” – it is not a typo. It’s just me being me.) it was a bit of a mystery as to why I struggled to talk about my story. Total transparency: it is most difficult to share with people I know. When I lived in Michigan I spoke at several events for cancer survivors. I felt at ease speaking to groups of 500+ people who were strangers, yet kindred spirits. Speaking to crowds, no matter the size, that included people that I had known for years was overwhelming. The fear of judgement was immense. Judgement happens. That’s life, I guess. Oh, how easier our world would be if there were far less of that…
The epiphany I had was this: I don’t know what I’m more scared of, letting people in or letting the monster out. This was life-changing for me. It has been a process. I struggle with this every single day. Some say it should be easy to just Let it Go, but the struggle is almost paralyzing at times. Terrifying. Stone cold, stop in my tracks and hide away from the world scary.
The Time that is Given 