Time is a funny thing. It is constant, but it can seem fluid. Time became something that was tangible. I could hear it. I could see it. It was like living in a gigantic clock. Most times were actually spent in silence. I was waiting. I was learning. The nurse educator spent a lot of time in my room wanting to answer any questions that I had, but I had no idea what questions to ask.
The day after my DuoPort was finally put in we started the main chemo. How do I describe receiving that first dose? I remember signing countless forms. I remember the two nurses walking into my room wearing lead vests, gloves and protective head gear. I remember them hanging the bag of chemo, it was bright orange. I remember them telling me how I could start to feel. I remember them saying that they would stay with me for the first 30 minutes and then check on me every 15 minutes throughout the treatment. I remember them starting the pump. I remember watching that orange liquid slowly snaking it’s way through the IV tube. I remember watching that orange liquid go into my chest through the DuoPort. I remember feeling numb and scared at the same time.
That day was a long day. It was spent, for the most part, in silence. It felt surreal. It felt tragic. It felt hopeful. It felt right. It was a starting point for me. I was now fighting this horrible monster.
One of my favorite movies is “Princess Bride”, and I watched this many, many times in the hospital. Those who know me know I have a… wicked sense of humor. Humor got me through some pretty dark times. During those early days of treatment I was truly “mostly dead” – the blood of life was given to me by strangers, friends and family. Mostly dead. Yup, that was me. Oh, and I also had to deal with ROUS’s, Rodents Of Unusual Size. Still do. There are ROUS’s everywhere today: current health issues, figuring out a constant new normal, listening to all of the noise of life and trying to sort through what truly matters, etc.
We truly have such little time in this life. Let’s make it count. No matter how many ROUS’s may be around, let’s love a little more, judge a little less, speak truth, have faith, and remember that the One who gave us life in the first place will ALWAYS be here to guide us along if we just listen.
The Time that is Given 