Script Synopsis: “The Angel of Death visits a mental hospital to collect someone on his list, he accidentally reveals himself to the wrong person. After struggling to convince the patients of his identity, Death attempts to correct his potentially fatal mistake and demands to know which one of them is actually the one he came for. But the patients refuse to give up their friend’s true identity, even after Death insists that if he doesn’t perform the touch of death within the allotted time, the consequences could be disastrous. Death must resort to drastic measures and even joins the group sessions in order to win this deadly battle of wits.” – Cheating Death by Kamron Klitgaard
*****************************************************************
The Angel of Death was constantly lurking… My, that sounds overly dramatic. Ok, so she wasn’t lurking and typically would just burst into my hospital room with a smile and a “Hey, Aimee’!” – that was the relationship I had with my very own, specially assigned, physical Angel of Death. The other less obvious angel, he lurked. He excelled at lurking. If lurking were an Olympic sport he would have had dozens and dozens of gold medals.
He lurked in the obvious places: the times I went into cardiac arrest from the chemo, the staff infection, the fevers over 105 that wouldn’t break, the reactions to blood transfusions, the lack of successful platelet transfusion, etc. He had far too many obvious places to lurk.
He lurked in subtle places, too and it surprised me where he was found. He lurked in places that were so mundane that I never expected to see him. How mundane? Brushing ones teeth, does it get any more mundane than that? I brushed my teeth 3x each day for 36 years and did not give it much thought, then WHOMP, leukemia comes along and I simply could not just brush my teeth. Bleeding became a big issue, like I could bleed out and die from brushing my teeth too hard. My Rock had to order special toothbrushes for me to use, and there were days that I was not allowed to brush my teeth even with the special toothbrushes. Then there was my habit of biting my lip when I was stressed or thinking. Yep, that habit could have killed me. My oncologist saw me biting my lip one day and said, “Stop that! You have no ability to clot or fight any type of infection. Chewing your lip could kill you.” WHOMP! To this day I give pause when I brush my teeth or start to bite my lip…
I wish I could say that those were the main places he lurked. Sadly, he also appeared to my Core Four, sometimes so subtly that I didn’t always catch him in the moment.
Let me try and set the scene for you…
My room on the DNR floor was considered protective isolation. However, this was before the new, fantastic and I’m-so-excited-they-now-exist rooms for protective isolation. The rooms now have reverse air-flow which means that the patient is protected, as much as possible, by the environment. In 2004, where I was on the DNR floor, protective isolation meant that anyone who came into my room had to wash up and put on a sterile gown, gloves and face mask before entering. The same procedure applied to me if I were to leave my room. The angel of death lurked behind every person who entered my room, and in all of the people I saw when I left my room. Those were obvious places for me.
I wish I had been more aware and proactive about the subtle places that he lurked. Days when my children would get excited to go on a walk with me (a walk was me trying to walk a lap around the 7th floor to help keep my strength up). They would be able to take off their sterile garb and I would put mine on, and then hand-in-hand we would open the door to begin our adventure. But, some days…. too many days… we would have to pause and quietly wait as a body was being wheeled passed us on the way to the morgue. Watching my children watch that… Only later did I realize that they caught a glimpse of death waiting for me in those moments. This shaped them and reprogrammed how they view life. I wish I had thought to put my arm around them and say something comforting and reassuring. I didn’t. I’m not sure I could have. But I still wish I had.
The angel also lurked by the elevators. I grew to dread the elevators on the 7th floor. They greeted me every Thursday when I was wheeled down for my weekly bone marrow biopsy. Several Thursday’s I had a very high fever and felt just horrible, but those doors always opened and swept me away to the surgical unit. But those days did not compare to the days the angel would quietly be there as I walked my Core 4 to the elevator to say goodnight. These times started off as precious! I was so thankful that I had the energy to walk that path, even though it would completely wipe me out. It was a victory lap for me, mentally. Every time we made it to those elevator doors my son would turn and say, “Goodnight, mommy, will you still be alive if I can come see you tomorrow?”
Every time.
It was a legitimate question.
Those moments still haunt me.
This was my Uninvited Guest: the Angel of Death
I was blessed with a fantastic group of supporters who did their best to help me cheat him. I’ll share some happy times where we actively worked to cheat death. Some hilarious and heart-warming moments. They still make me smile.
That’s the beauty of life, the mixture of all of the moments: sad, happy, haunting, dancing, angry, stubborn, peaceful… So many moments all mixed together to make up life. The greatest moments are filled with love. That doesn’t mean that the moment is all wrapped up with a beautiful bow, but it does mean that we are blessed.
The Time that is Given 