Today is my anniversary. A day I look forward to but I also dread. Today is the anniversary of when I knew there was “An Uninvited Guest” in my life.
It’s been 16 years since my world – my very life – was turned upside down. Some days it feels like it was 100 years ago. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday.
Honestly, I have felt a bit melancholy this past month. So many memories, and some new issues, create a paradox for me. Without going into too much detail it was several weeks ago when my doctor said that a CT Scan revealed a soft tissue mass that needed further study. I have had trouble with my legs since chemo, but they hit an all time high about 8 months ago. In those 8 months I’ve had doctor appointments, specialist appointments, X-ray, ultrasound, more doctor appointments, CT Scan, etc… How do I say this? I’m not complaining or overwhelmed because this has been my life for 16 years. There’s always a test, a new symptom, new doctors that want to start from scratch with their tests.
The issue with my leg is nothing to worry about. My knee is a mess and will require surgery. Yes, the damage is due to chemo. So, we start on steroids again to help hold off fixing the knee when it is safe to do so. I’m classified as “at risk” so my time spent in a hospital has to be minimized.
This scenario has played out dozens and dozens of times these past 16 years. My hearing, vision, teeth, bones… It’s normal. It’s my new normal. There are some perks. I’ve developed a wicked sense of humor. Ask my Core Four, my Priest and the rest of my siblings, my Amy friends, Brian V, and pretty much anyone who really knows me. I’m great with dark humor. The fact that we are all living in the “pre zombie apocalypse” era has me cracking many a good joke these days, but now isn’t the time to post those.
I’m physically tired and just plain weary of feeling tired, being in pain (most nights I would like to chew my leg clean off!), constantly going to a doctor, waiting for test results or a referral to a new doctor, waiting for new meds to be figured out… So, while I’m thankful to be here it’s hard to be here this way.
BUT life is so much better than it was 16 years ago. I’ve been irrevocably changed for the better. I believe laughter is excellent medicine, that family is one of God’s greatest gifts, that true friends are a treasure, that the simple things in life are unbelievably valuable, that memories are made every day, and that there really is no highway called “MyWay”, and that’s a good thing.
So, now that I’ve bored you with a trip down the Life After Chemo Memory Lane AQ, what does today mean to me? It means life is good and every moment is worth living. Bam. That’s it. I like life – I like my life and I’m thankful for every single person (and animal) in it. I’m thankful for every drop of chemo, arsenic and drug trial thrown at me. It’s made me who I am. And we all know that I’m…
The Time that is Given 