Just… No More

This time last year I had the privilege of helping with Into the Woods at Greenville Theatre. This day last year was World Cancer Day. Light with darkness sprinkled with hope. That’s the tag line of my life.

Sondheim wrote complex themes and lyrics. The genius is that you hear and feel them where you are in life. It resonated quite differently with me last year. The song, No More, has become an anthem. If you haven’t listened to the song I highly recommend it. It takes place in Into the Woods when everyone is reeling from current events… They are, ironically, in the woods and are surrounded by giants, witches, loss of loved ones… The grief was overwhelming and hope was invisible…

Here are my thoughts… then and now, through the words written by Sondheim.

Baker	Me
No more questions,	What’s wrong? How do you feel? What’s your pain level?
Please.	It’s hard to answer these honestly
No more tests.	Testing fatigue
Comes the day you say, “What for?”
Please- no more.	Please… no more.

Baker’s Father
They disappoint,
They disappear,
They die but they don’t…

Baker
What?	That makes no sense, like most of life these days…

Baker’s Father
They disappoint	I disappoint those I love
In turn, I fear.	and my life is a burden
Forgive, though, they won’t…	they shouldn’t forgive that burden

Baker
No more riddles.	stop
No more jests.	trying
No more curses you can’t undo,	to
Left by fathers you never knew.	find out
No more quests.	what’s wrong

No more feelings.	I’ve turned my feelings off
Time to shut the door.	It’s easier to be alone
Just- no more.	Just.. no more

Baker’s Father
Running away- let’s do it,	Validating the idea of escaping into myself
Free from the ties that bind.	or literally running away
No more despair	Escaping will bring peace
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder.

Running away- go to it.	Go ahead… shut down
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:	But, where to go?
Unless there’s a “where,”
You’ll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.	I can’t escape my pain or worries
Different kind.	There will always be questions.

Where are we to go?	Is there a place to go?
Where are we ever to go?	Is there a time I should go?

Running away- we’ll do it.	Pulling into myself sounds right
Why sit around, resugned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,	The solution never comes from running
The more you feel undefined
For what you’ve left undone
And, more, what you’ve left behind.	Shutting down will cause heartache to my Core 4 groups.

We disappoint,	Guilt
We leave a mess,	Guilt
We die but we don’t…	No one is alone… not even me

Baker
We disappoint	Truth
In turn, I guess.	and
Forget, though, we won’t…	time to chose what to do now…

BOTH
Like father, like son.	Can I become a better version of myself?

Baker
No more giants	I’ve feared the unknown
Waging war.	…the uninvited guest
Can’t we just pursue our lives	Can’t I just be happy
With out children and our wives?	with my Rock and Children?!!
Till that happier day arrives,	…when I’m whole
How do you ignore	How do I ignore
All the witches,	all the appointments,
All the curses,	all the hurtful things people say,
All the wolves, all the lies,	all the guilt for being a “miracle”,
The false hopes, the goodbyes,	promising doctor apointments, all of my friends who have died,
The reverses,	the wishing,
All the wondering what even worse is	but fearing something far worse is coming.
Still in store?

All the children…	Oh, my children and husband
All the giants…	Oh, the battles that are still happening…

No more.	The final “no more” is the thought that the Baker, our main character, will take no more of the destruction and his choice to return to the world that he doesn’t approve of… a world that has cost him dearly, to reconnect to those true friends/family and meet the challenges together. THIS is the lesson of Into the Woods. THIS is what I aspire to, but don’t always achieve. I’m grateful for those who stay with me in the trenches, who chose to love through the days I’m silent, who will laugh with me, cry with me and just be normal with me.

World Cancer Day: honoring the fighters, supporting the survivors, remembering the lost.

Living is complex for each of us. We carry hopes and dreams, disappointments and sorrow. We love, we laugh, we cry, we scream, and that’s how it should be. Do I wish the world was a better place? Yes, I do. Do I wish that sickness and pain were a thing of the past? Yes, I do.

Do I chose to pull into myself at times and escape? Yes, I do. Do I choose to step back into life, with all of the hurt? Yes, I do. I do because the causes are worth fighting. I do because my Rock and my children are my everything. I do because I love my little life. There may not be a solution for every problem, but there is always hope.

Quattletine, Blog #8, Thank Goodness!

For many of us, another “new normal” begins today. Here in South Carolina, salons can reopen, restaurants can begin limited indoor seating, and some businesses are starting the process of resuming operations with a well thought-out plan. I’ve lived many a “new normal” in my lifetime. Through the years I’ve been asked some wonderful questions and one of my favorites is this: does change ever become routine?

Interesting question. A valid question.

My answer has always been that I just go with the flow, or something to that effect. Truth be told, every new normal chips away at the strong walls I started building around myself in 2004. These walls were built with the best of intentions, and, frankly speaking, their construction began before I was fully aware of them. This is one of the many reasons that I connect so strongly with Wicked – and my favorite song, Thank Goodness. Glinda beautifully sings this celebratory anthem and perfectly hints at the cost of past and current choices with the phrase, “there are bridges you cross you didn’t know you crossed until you cross.”

The walls and bridges that I have built in my own life… well, they seem a bit worn and in some disrepair these days. That’s a good thing, I think. It’s a vulnerable state that I never could have imagined. I desperately wanted to be “a good and faithful” cancer patient, and I still find myself auditioning for that part whenever I meet a new doctor, specialist or physical therapist. I need to change this habit. Change: deciding to build a different bridge. This part of me will always be under construction.

God created me to be a generally upbeat person. I love a cheerful response, a quick joke (a sarcastic one, if I’m going to be transparent), a positive outlook… But, sometimes these traits feel like a proverbial prison.

I’ve always thought of myself as an Elphaba, but I’m discovering that I’m a Glinda.

It’s a struggle to ask the difficult questions in a perky and optimistic manner. There never seemed to be the right place or time to say things like, “I don’t want to die” or “I want to see my children grow up.” The few times I gathered enough courage to say them I was met with, “don’t think like that” or “you need to stay positive” or “I KNOW you’ll make it.” Oh how we love living in a Pinterest world full of sayings that can heal all hurt, comfort all sorrow and turn a frown upside down. My personal favorite is “every time God closes a door He opens a window” – I certainly need more upper body strength for that type of life. 😂

So, how does one walk on the sunny side of life when one can’t even walk? How do we navigate the new normals of today? We do it together.

COVID-19 has brought up many long-buried thoughts and feelings, and I doubt I’m alone in this. We all have moments in our past that have influenced our thoughts, feelings and direction. As we find ourselves in another new normal I hope to walk alongside my fellow humans as we navigate each step. We may come from different paths and have learned different things, but I think we all will find that we have far more in common than we thought if we just listen, give space to be understood, and work together to create this new normal – the inevitable routine of change.

It’s a Wonderful Life, Part 1

Synopsis: George Bailey has spent his entire life giving up his big dreams for the good of his town, Bedford Falls. But, on Christmas Eve, he is broken and suicidal over the misplacing of $8000 and the machinations of the evil millionaire Mr. Potter. His guardian angel, Clarence, falls to Earth, literally, and shows him how his town, family, and friends would have turned out if he had never been born.

The whomping willow has been out in full force the past few months. Pain, both physical and emotional, have been felt daily – hourly, if I’m honest. The physical pain I can deal with. The emotional pain, well, that’s a bit tougher for me. I’ve experienced a hightened sense of loss of “what was” in my life.

Ironically, I’ve never been a “what if” person, as I truly believe that is a dangerous mindset. The “what if bus” never leads to a good place! If you would ask my Core 4 and closest friends they would tell you that one of my favorite phrases is, “It is what it is.” Survive and thrive, that’s the way to live. Mind over matter. Pick myself up by the bootstraps and soldier on.

Right?

I find that life is full of platitudes. The real, raw life is a bit harder to explain to those around me. I have a reputation, after all, and I have fallen prey to the whole duplicity of advocating a transparent life while desparately trying to maintain the illusion of strength.

Enter It’s a Wonderful Life by Frank Capra. Have you seen it? It’s a staple around the Holidays. I’ve seen the movie countless times and have cried, laughed and celebrated alongside George Bailey as the loveable Clarence tries his best to earn his wings and show George what is truly important in life. What’s more heartwarming than that? Great story. Great message full of hope. An easy 2 hour respite before forging back into the real world.

Wait.

Now enter Greenville Little Theatre and the director of their production of It’s a Wonderful Life. Suzanne gave me the honor of assisting with this production. My theatre teacher’s heart almost burst with happiness! My favorite part of theatre is watching the actors and production team learn to trust one other and then witnessing the beautiful one-of-a-kind story that emerges. There’s nothing like it!

So, I get my script and head into rehearsals. I’ve no lines to memorize or costumes to prepare. I have the best job – simply helping with the script as needed. Piece of cake. As I sat in rehearsal, night after night, listening to the words of the actors and the direction of Suzanne, something truly miraculous happened. My heart began to feel and heal.

Night after night I witnessed the struggles of George Bailey and the path he went on that led him to believe he was worth more dead than alive. He had a loving wife, wonderful children, and a town full of people who loved and respected him. But at the root of all of it was a man who had to give up all of his dreams. The life he envisioned never happened. He was the champion of everyone but himself.

Enter Craig and Latteshia – our very own George and Clariece. These two are Theatre gold. Magic. And, in my case, guardian angels. They bring these characters to life in a brilliant blend of the old-fashioned and contemporary. That’s a rare thing! (For the record, these two are extraordinary humans, off stage as well as on. My life is better for knowing them!) So before I ramble on let me use their words, the words of Frank Capra, to tell you just how much they have helped my heart and soul begin to breathe and heal…

G: …and what did I get for it? A bad cold and a bum ear for the rest of my life. I still can’t hear out of this ear C: That ear hasn’t prevented you from living a good life… helping others.

G: We can get through this thing all right. But we’ve got to stick together. We have to have faith in each other.

C: Are you happy? G: Yes. C: Are you still thinking about what you were thinking about 45 minutes ago? G: Yes.

C: No one is worth more dead than alive, George.

C: You’ve been given a great gift, George.

C: What was. Was. What is. Is. Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives, and when he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?

C: It’s a shame, really. You had the greatest gift of all conferred on you – the gift of life – of being part of this world and taking part in it.

So much more I could say here, but will leave that for my next post.

Tonight is opening night for this production of It’s a Wonderful Life. It will be remarkable because this cast, crew and production team are remarkable. My heart is full and so very thankful!

It truly is a Wonderful Life!