Different Kind of Christmas

As I write this, I’m sitting in my office at work, nothing but the Christmas lights and the glow from my favorite candle (Vanilla Pumpkin Marshmallow from WilsonHaus Candles) lighting the room. It’s quiet… peaceful…

It’s been a difficult year. Physically… medically… peoplly.

Being in a clinical trial that never ends has been exceptionally challenging this past year. I would not go back and change any decision that I’ve made, but, it’s hard to live in a body that just won’t cooperate. Looking back through the years it’s been easy to understand why my personal views changed from seeing everything either “this” or “that.” My life is filled with so many “ands” – and, it’s a painfully beautiful thing.

Back at home, in my closet, on the top shelf, is a clear storage container that has all of my mementos from my cancer journey. There are newspaper clippings featuring me and Victoria at a Relay for Life Rally. There is the paper tiara from my birthday in the hospital. There are gifts my children made me while I was so sick – you should see Matthew’s paper mache maraca – it’s wonderful. Paper copies of the online blog that My Rock started to keep everyone updated. There are all of my blood test results, bone marrow biopsy reports, year in review calendar’s from the cancer center, etc.

Then there’s the VHS tape, “Embracing Life with Arsenic.”

And the Daily Bread booklets that my Dad wrote in every day while I was fighting for my life.

There have been 7 constants in my life since the day of my diagnosis: Dennis (My Rock), Victoria, Matthew, Mom, Dad, Denise and David (My Priest). They loved me through every moment of those horrible days, then and now.

My Rock would update the blog while sitting by my bedside, ready to do whatever was needed. He still does that, every day. My heart is frequently overwhelmed by his selfless love and devotion. He freely supported me while I was helping to care for Mom then Dad in their final days. He listens. He loves. He’s a good man. I wish the world saw this…

Victoria sacrifices on a daily basis to help take care of me. She is strong, loving, fiercely loyal and thoughtful. If you are in her life, you could not have a better friend. I wish the world saw this…

Matthew understands me on a level few people do. He’s strong, loving, selfless, and one of the most genuine and talented people I know. I wish the world saw this…

Denise, my oldest sister, has never ever failed to show up in my life. She is loving, loyal, thoughtful, and cares more about the people in her life than anyone I know. She selflessly took care of Mom and Dad. Having lived Dad’s last 2 weeks on earth with her, I am in awe of her. Truly! I wish the world saw this…

My Priest, my only brother, has never ever failed to show up in my life. He is loving, loyal, thoughtful, loves life to the fullest and treasures family. Having lived Dad’s last 2 weeks on earth with him, I am forever thankful for his leadership and strong arms that just held me as I sobbed after Dad left us. I wish the world saw this…

Mama, we had a difficult relationship during my early life, but connected as adults. She never questioned to come if I needed help. She came after the birth of Victoria. She came when my children needed them. She took over the running of my household while I was so sick. She accidentally burned a perfect iron impression into the carpet of my house in Michigan… I miss that iron spot.

Daddy, we had a special bond. I do not ever remember a time that my Dad wasn’t there for me. Ever. When I was little he brought me Rocky Road ice cream any time I was sick. He took me on father/daughter dates on a regular basis. He literally helped save my life while donating his blood to me, on numerous occasions, during my treatments. I miss him so very much… so much… My heart is broken.

This past year I have felt quite lost, at times. My body is wearing out and most doctor appointments have resulted in news that isn’t great.

AND

My life is blessed beyond measure. I have a job I enjoy with people that I love. My Tribe is constantly checking in and showing true love and care. My medical team is excellent and always thinking outside of the box. My four doggos fill our home with laughter, snuggles and unwavering love. My parents are no longer here on earth, but they are with me every day. People, good, real and genuine people, are in my life and just make it better… Real is easy to decipher it, once you see it.

Beauty and tears. That’s my life. I’m forever grateful.

Have a lovely Holiday Season!

Aimée